Awake in the night

Do you ever wake in the night and end up with thoughts that take you down a not-so-helpful path? Last night is was around four a.m. and as I lay there thinking about how uncomfortable I was and how peaceful Theo's sleep sounded, I heard it. The dreaded Ornge - that helicopter that, no matter what, is the bearer of horrible things. And so turned my thoughts to terrible things like remembering what it was like to be in critical care, the pain and the effect of the drugs. It wasn't long, that I was awake, but when I awoke again in the morning I couldn't shake those negative thoughts. Some sort of dread. So I cried in the shower.

These June days used to be my favourite. Up at the crack of dawn to do a brick workout or pick strawberries in the garden or hoe and weed. Now I can't do any of those, at least not on my own. How will I ever achieve that level of satisfaction? Getting the best part of the day all to myself? And accomplishing so much at the same time? Loss of independence is so very difficult to come to terms with. Almost one year in, and nowhere near.

Mid morning we all went out to the garden to see if we could find some strawberries. You see last July I planted two perfect rows of plants, weeded, strawed and watered. They looked great. That was then. Now, well they have been freed from the wheat that grew from that straw, but they do not have the same fervor that they should have at this time of year. What the kids found instead was a small patch of wild berries - not quite the teeny tiny ones found everywhere else on the property, but small nonetheless. And there were tonnes of them! So what could I do but get down to the ground, out of my chair and help pick. We got about half a yogurt container full but just as many went into our mouths.

The kids and I spent the afternoon on the Blyth Greenway Trail. It is a small portion of the Goderich to Guelph trail (G2G) that used to be a rail line. Now it is used by hikers, bikers and some folks on four wheels who, in my opinion, should not be there. This section runs along the creek and has fitness stations set up with signs and wooden post for various exercises. The kids had fun jumping over the rocks in the creek and challenging each other on the fitness stations. I just rolled along, in no rush. It was quite an odd sensation, knowing that the pre-accident me would have been running the trail, thinking that the kids were going too slow. Instead, when Ella said that I should let them know when I was ready to move along, I just took the time to watch them play. Pre-collision me would have been impatient, now I seem to have more patience - for some things that is.

I feel all mixed up these days. Up and down so often in a day it makes my head spin. Some excitement at therapy and in the pool, but then the frustrating realization that I can't do what I want, that I have to find another way. I just hope I will.