Reasons to write

I have just realized that this is my 49th post. Theo says, "what? I don't think I have read 48 posts!" There are a few more that I started, but they just didn't feel right, so they didn't make the cut. I like writing, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and therefore some satisfaction. My own personal form of therapy. I finally got to meet with a psychologist on Friday. I have been on a wait list since I got home in October, it was one of the first calls I made - apparently mental health services are hard to come by in Huron County. Anyway, she is lovely, and I look forward to our discussions. I have been feeling better about things this past week, but I certainly need to develop some coping strategies for when I fall apart. Because I do, and sometimes I don't even know why.

I like this Dr., I feel like we clicked. She took notes while we talked (something I would do) writing in the margin, the topics to cover in the future. Although it was our first meeting and we were just getting to know each other, I learned a few things which I probably already knew, but now know are significant. First; five and a half months is not a lot of time to recover from a catastrophic injury. Which I guess makes sense, but I have nothing for comparison. And second; about blogging. As soon as we know our written work may be published, we change how we write. Because sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings is difficult so the truth gets clouded.

I know this applies in my case because I have changed what I was going to write several times, thinking, who is going to want to read about this? For instance, how many people are really going to want to know about my bladder and bowels and how well they don't work? And making things funny, when they maybe were not seen that way at the time. But if we don't laugh, we cry, right? There have been many situation where I am crying and Theo is trying to help, so try I find it in myself to say something to make Theo smile. The same is true for my writing - things can seem quite awful, but I end up spinning it to make it something positive. I think having an audience (you people who keep reading) helps me do this.

But I also write because I want people to know what's going on. Every week I meet someone who is following my blog or I am told by my parents, in-laws or friends of someone who enjoys my writing. So now I feel somewhat responsible to keep writing, to keep people "in the know". Besides, I know that there will be a ridiculous #2 (and then some) that I will have to share.  Besides, I want to address issues of accessibility, talk more about mental health, insurance, adaptive equipment, share more physio successes and talk about my family. And I have barely begun the share the road campaign.

Also, I love to hear from you! I talk to some people who say they are too shy to write a comment, which I understand. Others have said that because of various technical difficulties can't comment, which is beyond me so I will ask Selena for help on that. But I hear from many others, and it always brightens my day - the texts, emails and facebook messages that cheer me on. I love them all and I need them. I may not respond to them all - but please keep sending them.

So I will keep writing.

It feels like not much is improving with my body anymore, but Bill says that is not the case. Last week I asked him if he was still seeing improvements. You know what it's like, it's the same as your kids growing - you don't see it because you are with them every day. I am with me every day, more or less feeling the same and doing the same, so the small changes go unnoticed. But they are there. And we see it in the pool too. All three of us (Tammy, Elaine and me) would swear my legs were moving under the water. Ever. So. Slightly. And the effort it took for me to do it was absolutely exhausting.

And the Ekso this week - 1018. Progress.