There is no smoking gun

Knowledge is power. Or so they say. For me knowledge always comes with more questions. Well yesterday came with some answers, but even the doctors who know best do not know all. My trip to my physiatrist was productive, helped me understand some things about pain and UTIs, and it was nice to hear that I am doing things right. And that I need to keep going; especially with my FES bike.

Pain, especially nerve pain, has a connection to activity. The amount of activity done that day, the day before or even before that. For me reducing pain may mean reducing activity; especially when I am fighting something. This is so hard to do.

As for the UTIs, there is nothing that I am doing "wrong". The problem is the catheters. Even though I use a sterile catheter each time, the human body does not like them. You see the urethra is a one way track from the bladder to the outside of the body. Urine flushes that passageway every time you pee. Everytime I use a catheter it is traveling in the wrong direction. Bringing along everything it grabs on to. That's just the way it is. There is nothing else to be done. There is no smoking gun, nothing else that I can do to prevent them from happening. Nothing that I can change.

Apparently it just takes time. My doctor said he has no patients that have chronic infections, not past two or three years post accident. I am not alone in this, it is very common amongst new SCI people. Once again it just takes time. They don't know what causes the change, but it will happen. The body adjusts, somehow.

In the meantime, I have to go this route. Imagine what these are doing to my gut? And getting the right one also takes time. Dropping a sample off at the lab and waiting for results takes minimum 48 hours, and while I wait I am given one that might be the right one....

My selection of antibiotics from the last month or so. 

On another (less depressing) note, I fell out of my shower chair this morning. I was leaning down to pick up my nightgown without my brakes on. I was close to the floor when it happened, and it was pretty slow motion, so I wasn't hurt. Bill, Mark and I have not been working on naked floor to chair transfers (nor will we be anytime soon) so good thing Theo was around to help me up! No harm done and lesson learned. Someone else can pick up my pajamas!

A stocking stuffer for safer cycling

This is my favourite picture from Greg's Ride. You can almost see my whole family as we were setting off on this sunny fall day. Greg's Ride is the major fundraising event that Share the Road puts on each year.

The whole purpose of Share the Road is advocacy. Making governments (Provincial and Municipal) sit up and listen. Listen to the stories (like mine) that will make them understand that changes are needed in order to make cycling safer.

On Wednesday last week, I was thrilled to be a part of the group who presented the Huron County Cycling Strategy to County Council. We started out presenting the Strategy to the members of council, then we handed out bumper stickers and a couple of us spoke in support. Then they voted, unanimously, to start implementing the recommendations! What a great feeling that was for all those involved.

After we left council chambers I got "swept up" in a media frenzie! A couple of the local radio stations were there, waiting to hear the outcome and they wanted to speak to me after. It was a bit surreal - being pulled away from my friends to speak into the microphone. The Beach did a great job splicing my random comments together :)

My point, I guess, is that we would not have been able to do this so quickly or so effectively without the support of Share the Road. When our friend Erin designed the bumper sticker after my collision we knew about Share the Road, but I (for one) did not know how much work they had already done to make cycling safer. Now, we know first hand. Because of the workshops they did in Huron County last spring, we have full support of County Council to form a Cycling Advisory Committee.  One of the Councilors said "We can not get that signage up fast enough". Change is going to happen.

So when Jamie, ED of the Share the Road, asked me if they could use our bumper stickers for their Winter Campaign I hooked her up with Ken at Blyth Printing and voila! We now have magnets! I know not everyone wants to put a sticker on their car (ahem, Elaine) so we made beautiful magnets that you can move from your summer car to your winter car anytime you like!

So please, if you have not yet exhausted your charitable donations for the year, support Share the Road. You will be helping make change in Ontario. Roads will be safer for cyclists - because that is you, me, your kids, siblings, parents and your friends.

Not fit for human consumption

Sometimes, if I sit for long enough in my la-z-boy watching netflix, I can forget about my paralysis. Almost. Until I have to get up. I put down the foot rest and upright my chair. Then I wait for the spastisity to relax. [It's gotten a bit better because I am back on the meds I was on before, but it's not gone because I have yet another (or perhaps the same) infection.] I haul my butt up the slider board and back into my wheelchair. Bed time.

It's the night before a "bathroom" day which means I get a nightcap of milk of magnesia. When I was teaching science we used to have some in the chemical storage room. I used it in an experiment once and was highly doubtful that it existed for the purposes of human consumption. Well, it is, because people (like me) consume it. That doesn't mean it is fit for consumption. It makes me want to gag and feel nauseous for a little while, but it does it's job (usually).

The other substance I have been consuming regularly are the UTI drops. I have been told that they could be used as an air freshener (because they are so strong) or as something to clear one's sinuses. They were working for me, but then something changed. I am not really sure what that was, but I know that the company is backing them. I got a message today from the representative that said she was sending me two bottles of the "old stock" that I had been using before. She found it in a warehouse in Alberta and she was putting them in the mail to me free of charge. I quite respect how much they have stood behind their product. I sure hope these ones help me break this infection streak.

The other beverage that is supposed to help with UTIs is cranberry. Yes, you can take concentrated cranberry pills, but there is no regulation about how much actual cranberry is in them. I asked Oliver to pour me a glass the other day and he said "I dare you to drink it without making a face!" This is the unsweetened juice, face puckering stuff. It's expensive too - pure just no sugar - for about $9.00! I would pay anything to feel better. The active ingredient that makes the difference (prevents bacteria from adhering to the wall of the bladder) is D-Mannose. It also comes as a supplement. It's a form of sugar, but it doesn't act like a sugar. It, for one, does not taste awful.

Since I stopped taking my pain pill at night I don't fall asleep like I used to. I did not realize until a few days ago that there was a connection. It must make me woozy enough to fall asleep quickly. I have been trying to meditate in lieu of drugs, but that does not happen very regularly. I refuse to start taking sleeping pills again, they make me super groggy in the morning. So what am I left with? Melatonin seems to help but I am afraid of what it might be doing to my teeth. It is supposed to hangout under your tongue (good blood circulation there) which it does. If it stays there all night (unless you talk in your sleep) then you are left with the chalky substance filming your teeth. Which reminds me I need to get back to see Dr. Lee...

Blogger keeps sending me info about how I could make money with my blog. Not sure that this post would help improve my ad revenue...

This is my collection of just some of the things I have to take...

How would you rate your pain?

"On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate your pain?" Have you ever been asked this question before? I can not count the number of times I have been asked this question is the last 16 months. And who can answer it accurately anyway? Is that even possible? It depends; are you in childbirth which, we all know, comes to an end? Or are we facing something that we have never faced before and will likely never see the end of? Are you tough or are you a wimp? What has been your life experience? How healthcare providers can gather any accurate information from this question is beyond me. Not all pain was created or can be treated equally. This last part is what I am still learning. What is this pain from? Is this crap I have another infection pain or is it from a balls to the walls workout?

For months now I have been wanting to get off of the painkilling narcotics that I have been on. These drugs with their magical nerve blocking effects, as you likely know, have their downfalls. For starters these are the drugs that have the "do not operate heavy machinery" red labels because of the foggy haze that they cause in your brain. Then, of course, they constipate which, when you already have a neurogenic bowel disorder, causes additional problems. I feel like they are rotting my teeth because of the dry mouth that I wake with every morning.

Before I left Parkwood I asked how long I would have pain. The doctor said likely for one year. So as that one year mark came and went I kept looking for a sign; something that would tell me it was time that I no longer needed to keep taking those pills for pain. Instead of a sign, along would happen another UTI, and another and another. With each infection the pain comes back, and, as they say, with a vengeance. For whatever reason that is how my body responds to bacteria in my urinary tract - crank up the neuropathic pain. Alas I never did get my sign, just decided it was time to try and remove it from my system.

So I did. I first cut the dose in half; instead of twice a day, just once. Then a week ago, no more. The first thing I noticed was the lack of "hazy brain" that I would often feel in the morning and had been blaming on low blood pressure. Well, it turns out, that was the drugs. I had expected to feel an immediate increase in muscular pain in my back, but that has not happened. What has happened was not expected, and that is the spasticity that I wrote about earlier. It was there all along, but was being blocked by the narcotics.

Today, as I deal with another evening of pain that gives me the chills and causes me to just want to be held, I wonder if it's worth it. Here I have weaned myself off what was 6mg/day to end up having taken 2mg just to get to bedtime. Now this is a Friday, a day after a particularly grueling robotics day, so not every day ends like this. These pills take the chills away, but not that nasty nerve pain, the one that feels like my bra band is on fire.

I don't write about this in order to gain sympathy; my goal is only to inform. In my former life I used to get up at 5:30 to get to the gym or pool and workout to the point of pain or almost vomiting. When Oliver was born he came so fast there was no time for drugs. I can take it. But this is different. Tonight for example, I laid in my la-z-boy and had Oliver balance the Connect Four board on my lap. This way I could spend time with him, we could play, and I would not have to move.

I have developed a healthy respect for those who suffer from chronic pain. I knew nothing about it before and now, here I am, a part of that club.

I hope you never have to join.

Trying not to lose my shit

I posted this picture the other day, and it generated a bit of discussion. When I sent it to my parents my Mom said "I need some explanation, it looks like you are standing with a walker!" My response was "that is because I AM standing with a walker!" I was tongue in cheek when I said that, but that's because I wanted it to seem simpler than it is. That look on my face is somewhere between a smile and a grimace.

 For context, this is at Glassier's Physiotherapy clinic in Wingham where I do physio for an hour twice a week with Bill (in front) and Mark (behind). My friend Shannon took this picture; we used to work together but now we are physio buddies. It has only been in the last two or so weeks that I have been using a walker to stand, but we have been doing a lot to work up to this.

What you can't see behind me is the physio bed. I sit on the end of the bed and place my feet on the floor. Bill raises the bed and I scooch my bum to the edge, I hold on and Bill blocks my knees with his hands. We have been practicing this part for a while, I rock side to side a bit, testing my core. As the bed gets higher and I am more or less just leaning on it I let go of the bed and put my hands on the walker. Sometimes I need a bit of help, but other times I can just push my hips forward and get off the bed completely. Bill is still holding my knees (preventing them from buckling) and I hold most of my weight with my arms. In fact I am not really sure how much of my weight is in my arms vs. my legs because I can't feel it. I know there is some load going to my feet, just not sure how much. Today when we did this I lifted myself right off the floor and as I held myself there my toes pointed just like those of a ballerina. It was funny at the time, and eventually I settled onto flat feet.

Those pointed toes were the product of a great deal of spasticity that I have been dealing with these last few days. What is spasticity? Imagine that you clench every muscle at once in both of your legs at the same time. Now, without releasing those muscles, try to move your legs. Pretty tough. And with me, it happens as I change positions - from sitting to laying down (or standing up) is the worse - the muscles spasm right up to my chest and my lungs even feel it. It gets worse if I sit for too long, and guess what? I sit all the time. I think I have had increased spasticity lately because of medication changes. Hopefully when those changes have settled, so will my spasticity.

Now, as for the fashion statement I am making in this photo, I do not go out like this in public (well, not outside of physio). What you see is called an abdominal binder. Basically it is a girdle made of wide bands of elastic that truss me up with Velcro. I know, attractive, and now you all want one. Well this is where I get a bit crusty. Lots of people have said to me "oh, I need one of those". Others, while I explain that I need it because I have no working abdominal wall (while I pull in my stomach with my hands), say "oh, I don't have an abdominal wall either". Ha, ha.

It takes a lot for me to not lose my shit on them. I actually have NO abdominal wall. Remember? It's paralyzed? That means it does not work. Not just an abdomen that opted to not do a sit-up in the last decade. Muscles. Don't. Contract. Without. Nervous. Stimulation. [This is me trying to contract my abs while I sit and type this.] There is more happening in my abs compared to a year ago, but I can only make my abs move if I do it while holding my breath.

So instead of thinking "I need one of those attractive pieces of elastic to hold in my gut" - go do some sit ups, or planks, or crunches, or pushups, or one of those crazy viral facebook workout videos. Do it because you can.

Two hands

I drove Ella and her friends to swimming tonight. While enroute Rich Terfry was telling his audience about the most relaxing songs according to an organization that actually tested songs for these qualities. He then decided to play one (Coldplay) and Ella asked me (from the back seat) to turn it up. My response to her was that she would have to wait because, as we were going around the turn at the bottom of the hill just past The Old Mill, both my hands were occupied. It was this that made me think - humph, I bet most people don't think twice about taking their hands off the wheel to turn up the radio.

My right hand drives the spinner knob, located at the 4 'o'clock position and my left hand drives the hand controlled brake/accelerator lever. For months now my car has been more or less driving itself - with the cruise set between 95 and 100 (most of our road have a legal limit of 90 km/h). So today, when I had to drive with both my hands to deal with the wind and the snow on the roads, I was reminded how nice it had been these last eight or so months. On the way to Wingham, when my face was getting too hot I had to just bare it for I dare not take a hand away.

So as I set out now, in these days of winter, I need to have the radio set on the right station and the fan not blowing full blast because my hands will be doing more important things. Like driving.

Lower expectations

Years ago my friend Krista and I would run together when our girls were at dance. While we ran we would do what all young moms would do with their girlfriends - talk about our husbands (and our kids too sometimes). A common theme Krista and I had was that our husbands would not always do what we thought they should, which then caused the creation of a common saying between the two of us: Lower expectations.

Not low, just lower.

Krista and her family have long since moved away, but these conversations came back to me today (I miss you Krista). Now before you think I am talking about Theo I will have you know that the shed is coming along quite well. The walls are up, the plywood is on, the windows and doors are cut out and the trusses are set to go on next week. Theo has had some help (she gets up there on her own) as well as those that just like to sit around and supervise (that's me).

Look closely to see who's helping.

The person who I need to have lower expectations of is me. I know that I have talked about this before, but today I was reminded, again. At the end of the day I often pay for having had too long of a list. Today, I just wanted to do too much, knew I just couldn't and it really got to me.

I skipped going to Parkwood today so that I could attend a meeting about being on the Huron County Accessibility Advisory Committee. [More on that later.] The meeting was just before lunch in Goderich and it was a gorgeous day. November 17th and it was sunny and warm, the perfect day to head down to the lake. In my previous life I would have gone to the meeting, changed into my running gear, ran down to the lake, along the boardwalk, up and down all the staircases once or twice, ran back to the car, changed my clothes, met a friend for coffee and then picked up a few groceries on the way home. That was then, this is now.

 I was on my own today and was not meeting anyone that I knew, so I could not make plans to get help with my chair. I know I can do it on my own, and today I did, but it's not a perfect system and today it proved that yet again. First of all the only wheelchair accessible spot was taken so I had to park in the angle parking on the street. It was level, which was lucky. As I got out of the car and started to pull my chair the front caster got caught in my pulley system. I had to push my chair back in far enough so I could untangle the wheel from the ropes and then get it rolling back out of the car. Fine, got it out and got into where I needed to go and had the meeting.

Before I had even left home I had managed my expectations. I thought I would roll from the museum down to the square, maybe have a quick lunch, or visit a store I wanted to see. Then go home. I thought that was reasonable. After my meeting, when I got out onto the sidewalk and looked at how far it was to the square (it was not far - one full block) it seemed like miles. So I didn't go.

I started getting into the car and I thought maybe I would just drive down to the beach and roll on the boardwalk. But that would mean getting my chair in and out twice. It's easy to get my chair out because gravity helps. Getting it in is different. As I worked to get my chair in for some reason my legs spasmed out and I felt a little too close to the edge of my transfer board. As I pulled hard to get my chair in and not caught on the edge of the door frame...I changed my mind.

What did I do today? I went to the meeting and came home. I did not go to lunch or the beach, I didn't even drive down there. Doing so would have just made me think about what I could not do. I got in the car and drove straight back home. As I drove down that road, that straight stretch of County Road 25, where it crosses Council Line, where all this began, I got sad. Sad enough to cry. So I did.

Happy Anniversary to me

This was to be posted on October 22nd. Somehow I missed finishing it.

365 days ago I came home for good. At my last appointment with my psychologist I told her that I was close to the anniversary of my release date and she said it sounded like I had been in prison. Which I was, in a way, but all for my own good. [I wonder how many other people have said that] Parkwood prepared me for what was to come - how to manage my bowels and bladder and look after my skin. All necessary evils, but clearly I did not learn how to balance my life. Only by experience do I learn this. Like yesterday I should not have gone to choir, I should have had a nap, but I went anyway. Today, this was how I spent my day.

In bed with my cat.

I had plans for today. I wanted to spend time with my family and my friends - celebrate (in a low key way) life by just being. Instead last night I had a fever and didn't sleep. Yet another UTI. Come on. This one is different, never have I had a fever and the usual tightness feeling I get in my legs has not happened. So yesterday, although I felt tired, I didn't have the usual signs. In fact, what I thought was happening was that my botox was wearing off, hopefully it was the fault of the bacteria.

We were supposed to go out for dinner to the local United Church fall supper. Instead we had the takeout version. My advice? Always have a plan B.

Coming down from the sugar high...

Most kids do this, right? Sort and organize.
How nice of them to place it next to the broom and dust pan -
making my job so much easier to just sweep it all out the door...

This is my current view. I am once again sitting where I normally end up most evenings - at the kitchen table with my head down on whatever I can find that is soft (tonight it is my scarf). I stay here (rather than go to bed) because then I can still participate in family life - even though that participation is limited to directing lunch making. My stomach is troubled again and I have come to the conclusion that eating sugary things pushes me over the edge. The edge is that line where I have had enough calories and need to stop. We all know stopping is hard - think (with slurred speech) "I couldn't eat another bite"...(now with a French accent) "but it is just wafer thin..." Although I don't explode my body sure reacts differently than it used to.

I eat way less now because I do so much less than I used to. It has been a hard adjustment and I am still learning. Foods that contain lots of sugar seem to have become a trigger for feeling awful. I have been trying for over a month now to not eat sugar. This includes all processed sugar as well as honey and maple sugar. It does not include fruit. Do you read labels on packaged food? Ketchup, all Kraft salad dressings, flavoured yogurt - second ingredient is sugar; crackers, baked beans, most cereals - third ingredient. It is very hard to escape unless you make everything yourself. This of course takes time and energy.

It's about balance for my body, and being knocked on my ass by three infections in two months was what made me decide I needed to do it. I know other women with paralysis who fight the dreaded UTI by eliminating sugar - and they swear by it. The balance you see is in having the right flora in your body and feeding it well. Having lots of sugar feeds all bacteria, good and bad. It's my hope that reducing the overall amount of sugar in my digestive tract and blood stream and taking in more good bacteria (probiotics, yogurt, fermented foods) I will end up on the good side of balanced.

Our Hallowe'en sunset

I have been doing okay with this sugar reduction, only the occasional transgression (like a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows one night last week before bed). Last night was another cheat night - how does one ignore the temptation to steal from one's own child when they have SO much candy? Hallowe'en - it is such an odd tradition! Dressing up and going to friends, neighbours and strangers and asking for treats. You can't deny that it is odd!? But so much fun! At least last night was - Spiderman handing me peanut filled treats as fast as he collected them!

I was remembering last year as we got going - I had been home for nine days. I was hurting but so very desperate to participate and be with the kids and our friends. I lasted a half a block in the pouring rain and freezing cold. This year's balmy temperatures only required my down jacket and one lap blanket (instead of two) and my ski mitts. I was still warm(ish) by eight and only had one frostbitten finger (push rims are made of aluminium which suck heat from the fingers - even through the best of mitts)!

Who doesn't trick 'r treat at their local gas station? 

The other thing about this night is that it allows us an excuse to walk down our old street in town and see friends and neighbours that we don't cross paths with very often. Our first visit now though is always to the farm just outside of town where a friends' parents live. They are well into their 90s and are still on their own. I used to bring them eggs and have a brief visit each time - but my egg delivery days are over now so I don't see them often.  They have their own health issues too, but they keep going and they look forward to visits from the local kids every year. I was happy to be able to be a part of these traditions again this year.

Cinderella made her dress from one of mine - a former bridesmaid dress hidden at the back of my closet. I'm sure she found some mice in that closet who helped too. Not sure who that other kid is though, he just jumped into the car. 

Not all things were the same this year, after this picture was taken our two parted ways. Ella decided to trick 'r treat with her friends in a completely different town! We missed her, but know that she had fun too. Perhaps we shouldn't wait for this sugar filled night to get out and see our friends and neighbours. Maybe when the shed is done we'll have a costume-filled candy-free party. Life's short, after all.

Trials and tribulations

I am tired. So tired in fact that I don't even think that that a piece of dark chocolate will help. It is Thursday and therefore a Parkwood day. I walked a couple of kilometers on the Lokomat and biked ten miles on the FES. A good workout by any standards. The best part of the day though was getting to hang out with my people. I know I have said this before, but being able to connect with others in the (almost) same boat as me is incredibly meaningful.

You see I have been feeling pretty lonely out here in Huron County for the past little while. I know it seems ridiculous when I have my family here, regular appointments with professionals and lots of friends to visit with [I regularly get the comment "another new friend?" when I arrive at Parkwood with someone different] but I know no one who is in that same boat as me. I have connected with some peers online, those who have more years of experience than I. This is helpful because I hear about what their life is like - and I gain hope and knowledge that things will be better down the road. But I still have yet to find that peer who is really like me. All of the women I have talked to were injured young, then went on to get an education, a career and/or a family. To me, this is different. I want to talk to someone who is just like me - in full swing of career and family - and learn how they were able to adjust to the changed body and relationships.

In the meantime I got to hear from my Parkwood gang. Lots of tales today. One friend has been put through the ringer by his auto insurer as he tries to get his licence back and get his newly modified Mazda 5 on the road. The insurer thought it prudent that his auto rate should be doubled - because that is what they do when you "give up" your licence and have to go back through the retesting process to get on the road. Right, because that is what we all did - voluntarily gave up our licence! Nice try - more like we were unconscious in the ICU when the resident Dr filled in the paperwork to have it revoked. Not the same thing.

The other friend talked about the elevator in his house and how they are not the answer to making a two story house accessible. Elevators get stuck, you see. Others chimed in that they have generators to back them up for when the power goes out, however, a back up generator does nothing for you when it gets stuck because of the incomplete work done by the repairman! This friend got stuck 3/4 between floors, so when the door was opened by his son he was at eye level to the kitchen floor. He is lucky his son (and he) are strong enough to heave him up through the gap. Another friend said that she would have been stuck there until morning and would be lucky if her mom passed her down some supper.

Then (somehow) we got on to skiing - many were not able to picture how nordic sit skiing would work. I had the idea that we should all go downhill skiing together this winter, telling them about last year when I went with my family. It's pretty hard to picture and/or describe how you get on a chairlift when you are strapped to a sit-ski. I guess I didn't do a good enough sales job because one friend said she thought her plans to skydive were better. In the end we decided that we should all go to Mexico together. I guess I had better get that passport application finished!

Thankful

This is a guest post from my friend Selena Hazlitt. Selena was the glue behind the communications and the fundraising after my collision. I am thankful to her for all of that and her love.

This October, a memory was made that I will hold onto forever.  Something I never want to let go of, and only did because I know it will happen again.  This is a post about how that memory was created.

I think everyone who reads this blog realizes that Thursdays are dedicated to physio at Parkwood for Julie.  This is the day of the week where she is greeted by those who are closest to understanding what she experiences daily in her life and is supported by an amazing team of professionals who guide Julie towards her goals.  We realized that Thursday was my first time at Parkwood in a year.  The last time I was there was for one of our regular "girls night in" visits before Julie moved home.

On Thursday, we arrived at Parkwood early (note to other drivers, I set the bar high for arrival time) so that gave Julie a little time to connect with friends. While she was touring around physio to chat, I was mesmerized by her team putting together the Exoskeleton.  Of course I had heard about the Exo from Julie and I saw one encased in a museum display at Chicago's Museum of Science and Industry last year, but to touch it and see it come together was so interesting.  

The process of strapping Julie in doesn't take too long.  A binder, some straps and lots of velcro, adjustments and more fine tuning, all done meticulously by Barry.  I was sitting beside her and she reached out, I thought she wanted to hold my hand but she was really just gesturing for water.  We had a laugh and then it was time for her to stand-up.  The unfolding from sitting to standing is the biggest challenge.  Barry guides her from behind as she folds and unfolds into a standing position.

Then she reached out for my hand again so I went to hand her water but instead she suggested I stand up and come towards her.  Then I realized, we were going to share  A HUG!!!  (I am tearing up right now as I type)  I hugged my friend, a full body hug and I would have wrapped my legs around her if I could.  

We cried.  Yup, standing there hugging Julie and $230,000 worth of bionic equipment, starting into Barry's eyes (remember he is behind Julie, for balance) and I was a puddle.  Nearby, a man commented that we were making him cry too.  I wondered what Barry thought and figured these types of moments must contribute to his passion for helping people.

That HUG was the most surreal hug I have experienced and it was one of the best hugs ever!  There was no way I was letting Julie get out of the Exo after her hour long, 2038 step walk without another big hug.  I am addicted to that hug.  I want more and I know that there will be more!

Thank you Parkwood for purchasing the Exo, thank you to the three people who are trained to operate the Exo and thank you science for being so damn amazing!

I'll continue to hug my friends and especially Julie whenever we see each other.  With Julie, it will be that half body hug, bent over, twisting my body around the chair to get as close to her as possible.  Hugs with Julie always make me happy because I am still caught up in the emotion that she is alive and with us today so embracing her feels extra special.

Touch is so important for all of us and often those who use a chair are most vulnerable for a lack of hugs.  Julie isn't going to break and a hug can never hurt her.  

Dresses for sale

With some help I have been doing some sorting. This is the result: 11 empty bins! Now, to be fair, some of the contents of these bins are still in the house like outdoor winter clothes and some pants I found for Oliver to wear this year...but a lot of stuff is gone. We have taken it to charity, some things to sell at Family Tree (sorry Jen:) and a few things into the garbage. Stuff. It's all just stuff. Toys, clothes, fabric, some kitchen stuff and shoes. Why do we hold on to so much stuff?

As the kids get older they lose interest in some of their toys - boy is it hard to get those toys out of the house! "But Mom, I might want to play with that again!!" True - for about ten minutes.

I gave away two bins full of fabric that I hope will get put to good use. You see 15 years ago, when we were living in Toronto, I worked at Fabricland. I loved to score the ends of a roll of fabric because it was 75% off, plus employee discount. I would keep my eye on fabric that I really wanted and then swoop in and buy it. I would even buy fabric that I didn't have my eye on - just because maybe I would use it. Well, for now, my sewing days are on hold. I will have to get a machine that is fully hand controlled and I will need a space to set up. So I let all that fabric go, keeping only two pieces of knit because now everything I wear has to have stretch.

I also went through my dresses. I had a lot of dresses - I loved to wear them to work - and they were all beautiful. Most of them have a specific memory attached to them - my green Earth Day dress, my 40th birthday party dress, my make-me-feel-skinny denim dress and many that I made myself. It was hard to say goodbye to them all. Now it will be up to someone else to wear them - and feel beautiful.

Another 2000 steps

Frankly, I am getting quite tired of driving to London every week. Not that I am actually driving, I have friends help me with that, but it makes for a very long day and we can't seem to find a route that has no construction. On the way down today we made good time (only two construction incidents) and I was there and ready to walk by 10:40 a full 20 minutes early! This is a good thing when I am using the exoskeleton because it gives me my full hour of therapy time to actually walk.

My energy today was such that I was able to walk the full hour and only had a couple of "hanging in the air" incidents. These occur when I don't weight shift properly (because of fatigue) and the robot sort of pauses mid stride which makes for pretty awkward walking. So I think that I am finally coming back up to a level of energy that mirrors that which I felt back in the summertime. Let's hope I can keep this up. Regardless of construction is was a lovely day to drive and I had great company.

I always get a bit energized by my Parkwood days. I have been talking to some inpatients when I can - people who are newly injured and are trying to figure things out. I have so much compassion for where they are at - learning to use the transfer board, using their upper body strength to move their legs off the physio bed, trying to understand how to manage yet another UTI. They are often impressed with my walking - just as I was when I was an impatient. I could not wait to get into the Lokomat - I saw Megan in it the first day I went into the physio gym - and from then on I knew that was my goal. I wish I could do more to support them, but talking and showing what is possible is a start.


Even though I had a good walk and still had enough energy to write this post tonight, the highlight of my day today was meeting the 102 year old veteran who created my birthday art.  I have been walking the halls for a whole year now, admiring the art, because I can see it when I am walking. My Mom surprised me by buying one of them for my birthday (she is pretty sneaky) and today I decided to buy two more (happy birthday to me) to complete the set. The artist (did I mention he is 102?) is a resident at Parkwood in the Veterans wing and he spends a great deal of time in the art rooms. He is more than twice my age! It made me feel warm inside to be able to talk to to him and thank him for creating the art that I so admire.

Flip it

Here is something I am trying. When something is presented in a negative way, flip it. Make it positive. Draw it out so that whatever is being said changes from bad to good or from a put down to a lift up. Every so often I run into someone that I have not seen for a while (or since the collision) and they say how it's "good to see you out". Like I'm not supposed to be out? I suppose it is possible that some people would choose to give up (I have had my moments) but staying in is just, well, boring.

Hand controls in my Mazda. Zoom zoom!

I get out alright. On Saturday the kids and I went to market (again), the last outdoor market of this season. Even though I know this is silly, I felt like it was my last chance to get fresh local food. So my fridge is now full - I think I bought three broccoli - it all looked so good.

This is where I was when another "it's good to see you out" happened. I know it is meant well, really, I do. But how about just saying hello and asking how I am or how my recovery is going? So this is where I have to try and flip it. They mean well, they are just concerned for my well being and are not sure otherwise what to say. So I say that I do indeed get out a lot and then I tell them what I want them to know, how my recovery is going and what we have been up to.

I think that Ella is starting to get tired of me flipping situations that she tells me about. I got told to "stop lecturing me" when we were talking about situations that kids at school find themselves in. You know, the kid who is kicking and screaming their way down the hall to the principal's office? We don't know what is going on in their lives, what home is like etc. I'm just trying for empathy - which I know she has a lot of - but it's my job, right?

Oliver started going to karate lessons about 4 weeks ago. I went to  watch last week. He got his gee for the first time and ran to put it on - so excited he just threw his shorts into my lap and ran to join the group. At the break he came over to see me and said "Mom, I feel so powerful in this!" When we went out the the car I told him that it was evident that he had learned a lot in the past few weeks and that I remember doing a lot of what he had learned. We had karate lessons when we were kids, I think we even went with my Dad for some period of time. I remember it being hard, but satisfying at the same time.

I told Oliver that I wished that I could do it with him. At this point I was keeping my voice steady, trying not to show the emotion I was feeling. He didn't even miss a beat - "well you can still do it with your arms - you can do it sitting on your plinth!" Of course I can. That's the thing with adults - we get stuck in our ways (like parking in the same spot every day) not even trying to think outside the box. And here is ten year old Oliver, without even stopping to think about it, flipping it. Making anything possible.

So try it. Next time someone (or even yourself) says something negative, flip it upside down. Say how you want to be not how you don't want to be. Give it/them the benefit of the doubt. Stop being negative and start being positive. It is hard, and you'll forget (I do) sometimes. But you'll feel better each time you try. I do.

Change happens

Taken by the photographer at Greg's ride.

This is how fast I am. So fast you can hardly see me - so fast that you can not see Theo pushing me from behind...

The County of Huron has developed a strategy intended to improve cycling safety and enjoyment. This is the draft plan that is, in most part, the result of the work accomplished by the Share the Road workshops held here this past spring. Theo and I were both there and were so impressed by the information and discussions that went on. The county released the draft this week and are inviting people to read and comment on the plans. Please read the report here, even if you are not from Huron because it may give you ideas of what you can do in your community. The people of Huron who have made this happen should be proud. In one short (long) year they have made plans - plans that will go far to prevent someone else's life from being permanently altered.

If you live in Huron, please, please make a comment on this report. Send an e-mail to let the committee and the council know your thoughts and to show your support. We have to tell them that we support the plan, we have to get involved, in order to make it happen. Let's be the change.

Hello October

I have been told by someone else who writes that I should not wait for inspiration, that I should just write. Easier said than done, but I am going to try.

Today I feel the best that I have in a long time. Like a month. September was not good. Today though, the sun, the warm wind, no appointments, no workers or guests, new hair cut and good music in my earbuds - just a free day. I did my workout outside today - Theo carried my physiotrainer out to my deck and I got to workout and watch him while he worked. He is at the wall building stage and the trusses are coming soon. This is the shed, not the house.

Also, I think I am finally feeling better. A month of infection followed by antibiotics followed by infection of a different bacteria and another round of gut rotting drugs leaves one quite exhausted. My UTIs are "complicated" say my doctors. Fun. I love being complicated. And it will never go away. So long as I can not control my urinary sphincters (this used to be my favourite biology word - no more) I will have to use a catheter and therefore always be at risk of infection. No matter how careful I am to be clean and sterile I will always be at risk. I can take probiotics to have the right balance of flora, cranberry extract, d-mannose and juniper to prevent bacteria from adhering to the wall of the bladder. They all help, but nothing but a good old fashioned pee the normal way will eliminate that risk. I had a Dr tell me that I could be as careful as possible but had to leave the rest up to God. This from a man of science. If it were up to God perhaps I would not have been hit by a car in the first place? Here we are back to physics and biology once again.

Today my legs are nerve pain free. What a relief. There is a certain amount of energy that one has in a day and when a great deal of that energy goes into managing pain and trying just to function, the days are less fun. For more than a couple days last month I was ready to cut off my legs. I know that doesn't really make sense, why would someone who can not feel or use their legs want to cut them off? Even though I can not feel them, they are still the site of a lot of the nerve pain. Pain that does not go away with any amount of drugs. I had been doing well for most of the summer, nerve pain at a manageable level, but there is something that happens when infection strikes and that pain comes back with a vengeance.

I had this conversation with a friend last week. It's not fair - why should someone who has no feeling in their legs still feel pain? I have a Parkwood friend who takes no pain meds at all - she says that pain reminds us that we are alive. I don't follow this philosophy. Yes, I am glad to be alive, but I don't need the pain to remind me. When I have pain like I did last month I want to crawl into bed and not move. Just close my eyes and make it go away. But I can't, I have to keep going. There are days that I only get up because someone comes into my bedroom and says "are you getting up?" Those days are hard. September was full of them.

Hello October.

On the road again

It seemed like a natural thing to happen at the time, even though I don't really know how it did. Right after I was hit, my family and friends started to talk about Share the Road. It made sense to me, too, so I started talking about it too. How cyclists (and other non motorized road users) are not given the space they need to be safe. How roadways in Huron County (and elsewhere) were not designed to be wide enough. How things needed to change. I spoke on the radio, was interviewed by the Citizen and appeared on CTV news a couple of times. I wanted to let people know that things need to change.

While I was still in hospital, change started to happen. My graphic designer friend Erin made a bumper sticker that looks like this:

They were printed up and sold to raise money for my recovery and my family. The stickers landed in bike shops, at races, in bookstores, coffee shops and even in the knitting store in Blyth. Lots of local businesses got on board to support the effort - an effort to educate drivers. Since then, those stickers have traveled far. I have had requests from Alberta, had lots of people say they have seen them far away from Huron County and we even have friends that have taken them to England!

Last weekend my family, friends and riding friends attended Greg's Ride in Milton. Greg Stobbart was an OPP officer who was struck and killed while riding in 2006. His wife, Eleanor McMahon started the Share the Road Coalition in his memory and has been working ever since to make riding safer for all Ontarians. I spent some time riding with Eleanor on Sunday. She is now MPP for Burlington and is the Minister for Tourism, Culture and Sport - and she is making things happen.

The two Eleanors.

Mom and Dad both did the 15km ride - proud of them :)

The whole team!

Team Julie - our shirts were a hit!

On Sunday every member of the Swift family rode 15km, from 8 year old Henry to the "old folks". Seven and a half out and seven and a half back. Theo and I both did firsts - I rode the borrowed hand bike and Theo ran to help me along. It was hard, but we did it in just under two hours on a beautiful sunny day.

It wasn't so much about the ride (although being on the road again, and with my whole family, was incredibly meaningful) it was about being together with all these other people who were there for the same reason. To enact change and to support all those who have been affected by drivers not sharing the road. We also celebrated the changes that Share the Road has created. It was a very emotional morning, hearing from Executive Director Jamie and Founder Eleanor. They are the ones who lobbied the government to create the one meter passing law and have educated thousands of children about safe riding. Share the Road is helping communities all over Ontario become "bike friendly" and are working with the provincial government on the allocation of $25 M for cycling infrastructure.

So it's not just about bumper stickers anymore. The message goes much deeper than that. When Jordan from Share the Road Cycling came to Holmesville we learned about how much further we can take the Share the Road message. About how many communities like ours have effected change. When Huron County receives the report of recommendations for making the county a bicycle friendly community, we need to be there to support it. We need to let our local politicians know that we want to see changes. We want bike lanes, paved shoulders, cycling education, helmet checks, bike friendly events...making bumper stickers and signs to let cars know you are riding are good ideas, but we need more. We need bigger changes from our local government and beyond. We need to support Share the Road - it is because of their lobbying that new legislation went into effect last fall. Because of their lobbying that we have the 1 meter passing law. I know that some think that it is not enough, but it is a start and it is better than what we had before.

When I got on that three wheeled bike I had lots of different emotions. I felt like a little kid, on a three wheeled bike, who needed protection. But I thought a bit invincible - like I couldn't get hit by a car because it had already happened...any lightening doesn't strike twice, right? And I also felt like I deserved to be given space to ride that bike on the road - move over assholes. [One guy choose to lay on his horn as he drove past Eleanor and I riding together. The nerve.] You can't deny feelings - but not of these were very accurate - I am not a little kid, I have paralysis and have to ride differently; I am most certainly not invincible - lightning does strike twice; and I do not deserve to ride on a road - I have to earn the privilege by doing so safely, just like any driver.

If you missed the ride but still want to support Share the Road you can donate here. Those of you who live in Huron County stay tuned. The recommendation for making Huron a safer place to ride will be coming soon - be prepared to let council know that you want to see these changes happen. 

Baring it all

This picture, along with an article, was published in last week's issue of The Citizen. I had been interviewed for the article the week before, but didn't know a picture would also be appearing. So when it came in the mailbox, it was a surprize and I cried. Ella exclaimed how much she love it, thought is was a great picture - and was so confued by my tears. Theo the same. I have spent the last few days thinking about my reaction.

First, the background.

In the spring I was approached by Marcie (the self proclaimed pin-up girl of Huron County) who came out to the farm to talk about a project she was working on. It was a fundraiser for the Huron County Women's Shelter and it was going to be a calendar. Her desire was to use the pin-up style (1920's to 1960's) as a theme and the models would be "Inspiring Women of Huron County". She wanted to know if I was interested in being a part of it. I agreed, thinking that it would be another way I could get my story and the #sharetheroad message out there. We talked about what kind of scene I would like, and how we could make it pin-up. We talked about how I filled my days - with therapy - and swimming became our focus.

I ordered a pin-up style bathing suit (my first amazon purchase ever) and asked Vanessa if we could use her pool. Marcie arranged for hair and makeup and the date for the photographer. I have never been dolled up like that before, nor have I had a professional take my pictures. Marcie had Big Band music to set the mood and we planned the shots starting with me in my wheelchair and then we worked our way into the pool. After a while, I got "into it" and had a lot of fun.

I have seen the hundreds of pictures taken that day, and I picked a few that I liked best. I didn't get to choose the fav for the calendar. So when I opened the paper and saw that picture - I was surprised. All the publicity shots had just been a head shot. Seeing all of me - my whole body - I was taken aback. My body is different than it used to be. My lack of abdominal muscles changes my shape immensely and I have not decided yet that I like it yet. My legs have very little muscle left in them, leaving them quite thin. So that full body shot reminded me of all this. I don't love this body. Yet here it is in the newspaper for all to see. Somehow that is different, being printed, then being on facebook. Printed seems more permanent (but we all know that is not true).

You are all thinking "she agreed to be in a calendar!" Yes, I knew I would be printed, but seeing it in real life was a shock. It also had to do, I think, with my wheelchair being in this picture. Marcie and I had talked about a shot like this way back at our first meeting. I wanted to include my chair in the pictures because it is a part of me now, I didn't want to hide it.

I guess that was the picture I was hoping for but, at the same time, not ready for. I'm still not ready to accept that new me.

In the end they didn't choose this picture for the calendar. Instead it is a different one altogether. It is just my face and upper body and there is no wheelchair in the background. It's a beautiful picture inspired by this:

If you want to see it, you'll have to get a calendar! I am the April Pin-Up girl - I'll come around to the idea soon.

Calendars can be purchased for $25 from the Maker's Market in Goderich or from Part II Bistro in Blyth. All proceeds go to the Huron County Women's Shelter. If you would like one, and are not in the area, let me know (sawchukfriends@gmail.com) and I will get one to you somehow.

Parafrickingfantastic

I write this on the eve of the opening ceremonies of the Rio Paralympics. This is significant because it means that tomorrow I continue my edification about all things parasport. I really knew very little about parasports before my paralysis, and it may be bold of me to say, but I think that unless you are directly connected with a coach or parathlete, I am guessing you know little, too. When I write my book "What you didn't know, want to ask, or wish you hadn't asked about Spinal Cord Injuries" this will be a whole chapter!

As a family we learned more about parasport on Labour Day when we listened to a special CBC program called Chasing Dreams. We were making lunch at the time (bacon and tomato and/or apple, toasted or not, with or without cheese) and it became clear that we all had questions we wanted answered (especially the kids) as we tried to listen and comment and question all at the same time. How many times have we said "listen and maybe they will tell you!" in our kids lives - Ella is learning this CBC radio listening skill (except when it come to Donald Trump), Oliver has a way to go yet.

What we heard were many tales of mostly (but not all) young people who came about having a disability early in life, yet pursued their sport regardless (and or recklessly as in the case of wheelchair rugby). I was particularly curious to hear the stories related to swimming and we had a good laugh about the possibility of me throwing a 3kg shot put (I had some difficulty with the egg toss at my Mother-in-law's birthday gathering two weeks ago - it was a gentle enough toss though, as the egg didn't break and my partner and I won the gold medal - let's just leave it at that.)

One swimmer talked about swimming "just without a hand", we learned how to "hit" in wheelchair rugby and about running and cycling with a visual impairment. Swimmers are all classified by the level of impairment (I think 11 different classes) which makes for a level playing field. Wheelchair basketball players can place the ball in their lap and push a maximum of twice before they have to pass or shoot the ball. All the athletes had stunning stories about what they had to overcome to become an athlete. Add to that what it takes to get to the Olympics.

One message really shone through all the stories. Parathletes are tough. And they are not at the Olympics just because they have a disability. They are there because they have made the same incredibly difficult - poured thousands of hours into their training, scraped together and fundraised for equipment and travel, find a job that works around their training, sleep anywhere - choice to represent their country. The same as any other Canadian Olympian. Except, they have a disability, that (as I am learning) also takes a tough-as-nails attitude.

Under the category of "stupid things that people say" (but as I have pointed out earlier - they didn't know) falls the comment that goes something like this: "Oh, Julie, you are going to be at the Paralympics someday!!" Now having said that, don't feel bad if this was you. You did not know that what you were saying was highly inaccurate and, at the time, it likely made me feel better anyway. Here is the analogy that Theo and I came up with: "Oh Julie, you have been training to do triathlons for two years and you came third in your age group at the Goderich Triathlon! You are going to be at the next Olympics!!" Said no one, ever.

So you see?

Anyway, I'm old.

I'm not saying that I am giving up on sport, I am just trying to manage some realistic expectations. In fact, just today we did some experimenting in the pool to see if taking off my water shoes (which protect my toes) made me go faster - which I think it did if you ignored my bobbing knees while I did my back crawl. How about another piece of evidence that my competitive spirit is not lost? I may have found myself a new sport. And I already won a gold medal thanks to Erin, the best biathlon shooting coach I have ever had :)

A lifeline interrup

Even though today started with me feeling a bit better than the day before, it didn't start great. A month ago Ella called the vet to book an appointment for her kittens to "get fixed". Today was that day and it was left to me to get them there. Everyone else had more important thing to do like go shopping or Canada's Wonderland. Geez. Once both kittens were located and packed into the carrying case off we went. On the way there and then back I wondered where my phone had ended up - satisfied that it would be at home on the table. It wasn't. I had run it over, and not with the wheels on my chair, with the wheels on my car. On the gravel driveway.

It's a bit of a lifeline, my phone. I have been warned, by people more experienced in a chair than I, to always have my phone with me. You never know when you are going to get into trouble and need a bit of assistance. I do remember calling Theo from back lawn and I have gotten myself into slippery situations (remembering one particular pair of snow pants). The wheelchair makers have even taken this into consideration. They designed a little phone size pocket right under the seat and between the legs. Easy to get to, but also easy to forget when loading the chair into the car. Which is how it ended up on the driveway.

Aside from the lifeline aspect of my Samsung, like everyone else, it also stores all my contacts. I have a sinking feeling that they will not be there when my new phone is turned on. All my therapists, doctors, numbers that I will have to dig for in short order - that will take some time. I am learning a lesson in the importance of backing up information. My Google contacts only seem to hold emails - retrieving 265 numbers will take some time. I know it was that many because on Saturday I went through them all looking for people to contact about Greg's Ride.

I think when I bought this phone I must have sensed its' importance because I bought a warranty. I never do that. For the past eight months I have been paying $7 per month for protection. Today it paid off because tomorrow UPS is bringing me a new phone. I know I am not the first person to smash the screen of their phone to smithereens, I saw a lot of those in my classroom. My old Blackberry was so indestructible I never thought it would happen to me!

I spent some time this afternoon using my landline calling numbers that I still had in my head. Landline numbers that I had memorized long ago. Four, to be exact. Doing this allowed me to make some plans, for everyone else I was supposed to talk to today, sorry, I ran over my phone. Which actually made it kind of quiet. Maybe we all need to disconnect for a little while :)

Bitter sweet

I have wanted to sit down and write for a few days now, but never have had the right time. I have to admit, I've been suffering from Olympic fever these past two weeks. Now they are done and I'll have two weeks to kill until the real events in Rio begin.

I met a lot people this past Sunday, and I shook a lot of hands. It was the Goderich Triathlon and this year I was able to get there. Obviously I was not participating, but I was able to soak in the excitement and cheer on and congratulate some friends. It was too early of a start time for me to see the racers off, but as I was driving I started to encounter cyclists just coming into Auburn.

Congratulating an old (and somewhat sweaty) friend. 

The closer I got to Goderich, the more cyclists I encountered. It was a very profound feeling, seeing so many people on bikes in the exact same stretch of road where my collision occurred. I had to really concentrate on my driving.

Seeing all these cyclists tells me that people are not afraid to ride in Huron County. I got that same feeling as I drove down the hill to the beach and into the parking area. I was surrounded by cars with I Share the Road bumper stickers. Now, these are "my people" so it should not be surprising to see so many bumper stickers, but even still, it felt good. It means that the message getting around. 

Speaking of messages getting around, I met a lot of you, people who are reading what I write. I want to thank you. For reading, for caring and for stopping to introduce yourself to me. I often wonder who you are, and why you read. I hope you continue to be inspired. 

I was glad to give a hand while I was there Sunday. Pam, Miah and Stacy wanted me to watch and enjoy, but I needed to feel useful. So I found a few jobs, but my favourite was being able to hand out the medals. It was tricky for me to do as I don't have enough core muscle strength to have both hands out in front of my body (in order to put a medal over another person's head) so I had to do it one-handed. Some people receiving medals caught on to this and helped, others didn't and just took their medal from my hand. Oh well, I tried! But the most fun was giving medals to my friends, even though it was hard. Hard because I should have been there alongside them. It brings tears even as I write this now. Maybe that is why I found getting this post started so difficult.

Medal ceremony

In fact, I had mixed feelings about going at all, but I am glad I did. I was there on my own so I had to manage the wheelchair bathroom at the beach alone. It worked out fine (except for the ridiculously heavy door that has no button so I had to ask for help). Being there, at the bottom of the hill, also made me think about how on Earth I would ever be able to do that course with a handbike. The other reason I am glad I went was that I got to see all of my friends. People I used to train and race with, and my new silent friends, you who read. Thanks for the handshakes and the hugs.

And thanks to Pam, Miah, Stacy, Erin, Chris and Trisha for my new favourite t-shirt :)

My new favourite t-shirt :)

Priceless

Today, being Monday, I was back to physio with Bill and Mark. I was working on some core stuff that I was not able to do six or so weeks ago. I can now hold the bar out in front and lift it up and down. I was throwing the four pound medicine ball, sitting on the end of the bed feet on the floor, back and forth to Bill. We tried a version of "Russian twist" - but I have a long way to go before it looks anything close to real! Satisfying to know that many of these activities were not doable in earlier attempts, even throwing a beach ball was difficult at Parkwood.

Here you can see Barry holding me up from behind - the olden days.

I guess it would be a good marker to have record of what I can do now. I will have some pics taken on Wednesday.

The other great thing about today was that I got to Wingham for physio, the post office and the Family Tree all by myself. Theo was out and the kids are away at camp this week, so there was no one to load my chair but me. So I did it, and it only took me five minutes this time! I knew I would be able to do these errands on my own because both these businesses have made themselves completely accessible. No help required.

Oh, and did I mention that my bladder held too? Upon reflection of our day in Owen Sound last week I couldn't help but think about an old fashioned VISA commercial that went something like this: (cue the Morgan Freeman voiceover)

Botox injections (2 vials - the face uses only one) $795.
Watching the Dr inject the botox into my bladder. Free.
Lunch out (where I ended up eating everything because there was egg in Theo's salad dressing) $25.95
New shoes (because I just happened to find a great running shop) $75
Knowing that I now can get to physio and back without peeing my pants? Priceless.

For everything else there's VISA (which is how I paid for the botox).

Money doesn't buy happiness, but it does buy peace of mind.

New Shoes

It's a small world. Today I ran into someone that I have coached  beside for the past six years. She didn't recognize me, which was not surprising because we often have a lot of layers on at those races, especially on our heads. I told her that the other reason why she did not recognize me was because the last time I saw her I wasn't using a wheelchair.

Where I ran into this fellow coach was at a running shop in Owen Sound, and it was the shop owner who knew who I was. She remembered hearing my story back a year ago and remembered specific details, like how I had written a letter to the paper asking drivers to be more careful around cyclists. I hope there are more people out there who still remember and are changing how they drive. I have had lots of friends tell me that they (and their children) have changed how they drive, I hope that my story has had that effect on strangers too.

Theo and I were in Owen Sound for the day where I had my first botox injections. The hospital staff were lovely and very accommodating. They even let me watch which the biology teacher in me loved. After discussing it with the doctor, we decided that I would have the procedure done without the use of an anesthetic. Due to my lack of sensation we felt that the increased recovery time caused by the anesthetic might be a waste of energy. I was glad that I was awake, it made me feel better about what was going on (I can't help but feel better knowing that I can "supervise" what happens) although I was nervous.

Nervous, even though I knew that I couldn't feel the catheters that I use sometimes ten times a day, so why would I feel this one? Because it was huge! I use what is called a 12 or 14 French catheter, this one was a 17 French! The doctor assured me that the female urethra is very stretchy. So reassuring. What was reassuring was how kind the anesthesiologist (spelled correctly on the first try!!!) was. He introduced himself and said to me "I understand you have had a tough year". Even though that statement made me cry, I appreciated that he knew what I had been through and why I had ended up there. He gave me a heated flannel over my chest and shoulders and we chatted as I watched the urologist make more than 20 injections in the wall of my bladder on the big screen. Dr said I would hopefully know that the botox was working by the weekend.

Did I mention that the botox cost $795.00? Even the doctors and nurses were shocked at that! Here's hoping that Sun Life is going to cover it. What Sun Life won't cover are my new shoes. I have been wearing those black runners with pink laces for a whole year now, and if you know me you are saying "what! only one pair of running shoes??" I just happened into this Runner's Den (Theo was going to the music store) and I just happened to find a lightweight pair of runners that were on sale. So I bought them. Just because.