The List

I like a good list, funny that I married a list guy too. But his lists are a bit different than mine. Before my accident, Theo made lists, but they were scattered around on random pieces of paper - backs of envelopes, coloured paper home from school, even on edges of the Globe & Mail Saturday crossword. Since then, however, he has changed his ways. He always had a little brown book that he wrote down special lists or funny things that the kids did or said, but that book is now his massive list book. Ever since July 29th he has been keeping notes, writing down questions and making lists. That book even contains my first "questions". I use quotations because my first questions were those that I was trying to ask after I came out of anesthetic and they were just mere scribbles on the page.

So after this crazy awful weekend of pain and disappointment I have a pretty big list of things to do and ask tomorrow. Theo forgot to bring his book with us tonight, so I will start with the things he is supposed to remember to do (hopefully I remember what they were...)

Theo:

1. measure the width of the hallway upstairs
2. send me the contact info for Adapt Able
3. talk to Casey about the ramps
4. describe to me your plans for the front wheels of a practical outdoor chair

Me:

1. Call Adapt Able and give them my side of what I need in a house - Adapt Able is the company that comes and does an assessment of the house and makes a recommendation to the insurance company about how much should be spent and what should be done to renovate the house to allow me to live to my maximum living potential.  This will include me explaining that our bedroom will need to accommodate a king size bed. Don't think that this is me being grandiose with my living. What it will actually be will be two twin beds put together. Mine will have the head/foot raise/lower option and likely a bar on the outside. Between the beds (and thus the need for twins) will be a strap that I can grab to help me roll over when dressing. I will also tell her about the difference between a roll in shower and a tub bench - the tub bench does not allow me to wash my hair/body with two hands, I always have to hold on to the bench so I can keep my body up-right. 
2. Talk to Gary about my wheelchair. I have made some inquires with people in the know, and they think my chair is too big. The tighter your chair is to your body the easier it is to maneuver. Also, we at Tiny Farm Blyth, do not live in the world of pavement and cement sidewalks. I just about died of spasms and back pain going down the driveway. This is not okay. My plan is to pick my kids up from the bus stop everyday, and I will not be putting myself through that on a daily basis. Since getting two chairs straight away is not very logical, I am going to ask for two sets of tires. I will wheel myself out to the sunroom, transfer to a chair, change the wheels to large knobby mountain bike wheels, transfer back to my chair and away I will go. That is the plan, we'll see what Gary says. 
3. Try on my new MEC mail-ordered bathing suits. My suit (10 years old) still fits, but a racer back is murder to get out of when wet, so I have some other options. I wanted to try them on this weekend, but the energy needed escaped me. 
4. Talk to my new OT about the equipment I will need at home, specifically the bed. I hope that by the time I am home the new bed will be there. We slept on the queen bed from the guest room which I think was my brother's when he was a teenager? I'll just say that it is a bit on the soft side and once I rolled into the middle there was no getting out. 
5. Call my case manager about the mini-ramps that were dropped off last week at the house. The company had come to do measurements to install ramps inside the house anywhere there was a lip or drop (like into the family room). They dropped them off. That is all - no installation, didn't check to see if they fit and in one case all they did was one side of the lip, not both. Not acceptable in my mind. 
6. My bonus list item is to figure out how to use iTunes on my Chromebook. I have some iTunes cards (from friends and even still from a staff meeting) and I have a fun new little iPod I would like to load up with music but am not sure where to start. 
7. On top of all this, tomorrow is a shower morning, bowel and bladder care, OT, speech, PT and hopefully some time outside. 

Not a bad list for a Monday - the trick will be getting the calls in in between my therapies. We often play phone tag and I can't talk during therapy - that would be like taking a call in the middle of class - not very respectful of a teacher's time. 

It's all about time. Having time to reflect is something we don't put on our lists. I wish we did, because it is important to build it in. Theo and I did some reflecting on the way home tonight. Man, can you believe that I said that? What I mean is, on the way back to Parkwood. Here is what we came up with: The first time of many things is often hard, the first day at school, the first day of a new job, the first day in prison...just started "Orange is the new black". What made this first especially hard was that it should not have been hard, after all it was just going home. Home has not changed, it's me that has. And that is something that I can't seem to get my head wrapped around yet. 

The other thing that may have lead to my crash on Saturday was just holding on for so long. Holding on to get home, holding on to be in the peace and quiet, holding on to hold on to my kids and share a bed with Theo. I know that many times I have done the same thing while working - holding on and tricking my body to stay well. There is no time to phone in sick while teaching, so we tell ourselves to stay well - and then when the holiday or long weekend comes - there is the crash. 

I am sorry that my crash lead to so many tears, I wish I could have changed it. But I am glad it happened because now it is over. The first time is over. Now I know what to expect and what I really have to get ready for. I will keep working on getting stronger. Funny thing happened on the way home. We made a stop to pick up some dinner. Getting back into the Element (it is quiet an uphill slide) and once in the passenger seat, I said to Theo, "that was mostly you" meaning he basically pushed me up the slider board and into the car. What made it funny was that he was just about to say the same thing to me, meaning that I did all the work. So my upper body is getting stronger, and now I have evidence. A good thing for my scientific mind. Another funny thing, speaking of minds, is that in my brain testing I am doing just as poorly at the math as I ever had done before. How about that Boys of Science, that wack to my head added no new math skills. Too bad.