One Good Thing

Today was not the best of days. Mostly because it was a bad night, but I don't want to go into the details of that. I am frustrated, angry and disappointed. My nurse Lisa put a fine point on it this morning. She was astute to recognize that I often wear a brave face around here, not showing what is really going on in my head (and heart). She wondered if depression was starting to rear it's ugly head. But I don't think so. I don't always feel the anger, even though it is just below the surface. I would be better off (and I try) to channel the anger. Into something positive. That used to mean doing something like going for a run. But what is my run now?

It is going to be some time before I realize that everything just takes way more time then I think it should. Prime example: dressing. I had my OTA Kelly give me dressing tips this morning, so including rest time and shoes it took 20 minutes. 20 minutes! To get dressed? Yup. My nurse Nicole says I will get much more efficient, but working part-time next year is looking like the most likely outcome of this whole fiasco. I would otherwise not make it before first bell. Eating takes longer too, just because of the awkward angle that I sit at in my bed. Once I get into my own custom wheelchair I expect that will change.

I get also frustrated by the seemingly mixed messages. Like: You need to eat more fibre, maybe you are eating too much fiber, you need a stool softener, maybe that was too much stool softener... And then there is water, need to drink more, need to drink less, especially in the evening, it may be causing the puffiness in your feet... It is a fine balance, and one that seems to not be achievable, I hope to come close, but I do not think it will ever be mastered. My body is not my body. I was a fine tuned machine (for a 41 year old who works full time and has a family). But now my body is a stranger, an alien that does not follow the rules that were laid out by evolution. One that needs drugs to run "properly" and deal with pain.

My Mom's friend Andrea says the best way to deal with crappy days is to find one good thing, and focus on that to get to the end of the day. Here is one: I started my cognitive testing today. It feels like being in grade 3 all over again, the "gifted" test. I find it very interesting because this is the same test that is used in schools to assess our students, the very same test that my own children took. I was pleased with my results from today, apparently I answered two questions correctly that no one ever gets right. I guess my giftedness, at least some of it, is still up there in my head. Thank goodness.

Another good thing happened today, and I cry as I write because it just goes to show how much Theo loves me. He found my wibbly woo bear. This is Ella's small pink fleece blanket with a bear head and arms sewn to it. She is letting me have it for company while I am away from home and I have been sleeping with woo bear over my eyes every night to block out the lights of this strange room. Well I was, until last Sunday when she got swept away with the bedding laundry all the way to London Health Laundry Services. LHLS does all the laundry for all the hospitals around - even Wingham. So you can imagine how many lost items they get. Well Theo made a miracle happen, and he picked up woo bear this morning and brought her back. So tonight I get to sleep a little better. And I guess that makes two good things.